Everything hurts.
Everything I had on my shoulders are pressing me down even more these days and pressing me into the water of death. I'm losing my breath and I'm struggling for my very last breath. I'm seeking help everywhere, and no one seems to understand. So I sought help and I'm trying to get the sandbags out of my shoulders. I know how to swim. I know how to swim. I'm not stupid, and I will somehow get out of this. somehow. Yes, SOMEHOW. no guarantees. But I'm in so much pain as I'm losing blood and something is pressing my head into the water. I cannot breathe. I'm suffocating.
If there is God or god, I blame everything on him. Why is my life such a bumpy ride? No, bumpy would not describe my ride. It's much more turbulent than that. I sought peace, and I wanted a peaceful life as I moved to LA. Oh, I hate you, you, "the almighty one," for making my life this way. You made my childhood a sad one, a very sad, lonely one. I don't blame my parents for anything because they tried their very, very best to raise me, and I grew up like any other normal kid around. It's just that I always internalized my pain and that's the only way I knew how to cope. And all that pain I kept inside is no longer bearable inside. Yes, INSIDE.
My ride has been a tough one. Things happened along the way, and the one I experienced after college was a very painful one. During and after what happened, people pointed fingers at me. Again, most people didn't understand and couldn't help. I couldn't even reach out for help, really. My friends listened, thank god. I cried every single day in pain. Yes, I cried every day. Life was hell that all I knew how to do was work. Work at least alleviated my pain. I studied full time, worked almost full time, did chores at home all by myself... I didn't have to think about my life at least when I worked. I did what I knew to survive, and I realize now how one thing always leads to another...now I don't know how to rest. I ran so hard that I no longer know how to rest.
Many people hurt me and come back to me later. Regardless of how long it takes, people always message me with an intent of wanting to come back to my life and be good to me. I don't let that happen because they stabbed me countless times and left me bleeding to death. I miraculously survived each time, but they left me that way. Like a rag doll thrown out in the street. They stab and run. I'm not a combative person at all. One thing I really don't like about myself. I don't know how to argue back. People take the advantage of me because of that. And they might apologize to me later, but it's just too late. Just because I don't argue back, it doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. Just because I don't really know how to argue, it doesn't mean that YOU are allowed to do that. I'm never looking back and extending my hand to them. They almost killed me to death. Why would I reach out help them? I'm already dying inside.
I just don't know where to start. All I know is that everything hurts and I need to find a way to cope. Not with people, though. People only stab others and protect themselves, intentionally or unintentionally. All I know is that I've reached my limit and SOMETHING INSIDE is pressing me into the quicksand. I need to find a way to cope. Note to myself: Don't be so nice and open anymore.
