Loneliness trickled down,
yet I could not feel
what was soaking into my skin
deeply and heavily.
---------------------------------
I am a sunflower
who stares at the one and only
dying of thirst
foolishly earnestly looking at the sun.

---------------------------------

estoy demasiado triste. triste, si.

I am my own person

trying and trying
but this rough ride
dying yet defying
what's shadowing inside
there's no one to confide
i am only sighing
i'm not good enough
life's only tough
why am i this way
how am i wrong today
i don't want to switch
because i'm not a glitch
to anyone
or anything
but i am just me
i rather spend the day
alone and be in dismay
than be with any other
to them i might bother.
trying and trying
but this rough ride
dying yet defying
what's shadowing inside.


사는게 힘들어?

"힘들"다고?

그럼 힘을 들어야 하니까

그걸 들 수 있는 힘을 길러야지.

힘이 힘을 들게되는 거니까.

힘들다고 투정부리면 꼬마 취급 받는거고

힘든걸 못 참으면 몸과 마음이 고생하니까...

선택의 여지는 없고.

힘들지 않게 힘을 길러야지.

속이 강해지고 그 강인함이 자연스럽게 밖으로도 보여지게 이겨야지.

혼자 침묵으로 견뎌야지.

남과 있으면 헛된 점들이 확대되어서 보이기만 하고

지금까지 살아온걸 생각해보면 절대로 되돌리기 싫음을 다시 느끼게되고...

앞으로 내가 원하는걸 확실히 앎에도 불구하고

환경이나 다른 사람들이 그걸 알지 못하면

모든 것이 언뜻 내가 원하는대로만 되지 않는다는 사실을.

남에게 얘기해봤자 헛돌기만 하고

말과 힘 낭비만될 뿐.

Everything hurts.
Everything I had on my shoulders are pressing me down even more these days and pressing me into the water of death. I'm losing my breath and I'm struggling for my very last breath. I'm seeking help everywhere, and no one seems to understand. So I sought help and I'm trying to get the sandbags out of my shoulders. I know how to swim. I know how to swim. I'm not stupid, and I will somehow get out of this. somehow. Yes, SOMEHOW. no guarantees. But I'm in so much pain as I'm losing blood and something is pressing my head into the water. I cannot breathe. I'm suffocating.

If there is God or god, I blame everything on him. Why is my life such a bumpy ride? No, bumpy would not describe my ride. It's much more turbulent than that. I sought peace, and I wanted a peaceful life as I moved to LA. Oh, I hate you, you, "the almighty one," for making my life this way. You made my childhood a sad one, a very sad, lonely one. I don't blame my parents for anything because they tried their very, very best to raise me, and I grew up like any other normal kid around. It's just that I always internalized my pain and that's the only way I knew how to cope. And all that pain I kept inside is no longer bearable inside. Yes, INSIDE.

My ride has been a tough one. Things happened along the way, and the one I experienced after college was a very painful one. During and after what happened, people pointed fingers at me. Again, most people didn't understand and couldn't help. I couldn't even reach out for help, really. My friends listened, thank god. I cried every single day in pain. Yes, I cried every day. Life was hell that all I knew how to do was work. Work at least alleviated my pain. I studied full time, worked almost full time, did chores at home all by myself... I didn't have to think about my life at least when I worked. I did what I knew to survive, and I realize now how one thing always leads to another...now I don't know how to rest. I ran so hard that I no longer know how to rest.

Many people hurt me and come back to me later. Regardless of how long it takes, people always message me with an intent of wanting to come back to my life and be good to me. I don't let that happen because they stabbed me countless times and left me bleeding to death. I miraculously survived each time, but they left me that way. Like a rag doll thrown out in the street. They stab and run. I'm not a combative person at all. One thing I really don't like about myself. I don't know how to argue back. People take the advantage of me because of that. And they might apologize to me later, but it's just too late. Just because I don't argue back, it doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. Just because I don't really know how to argue, it doesn't mean that YOU are allowed to do that. I'm never looking back and extending my hand to them. They almost killed me to death. Why would I reach out help them? I'm already dying inside.

I just don't know where to start. All I know is that everything hurts and I need to find a way to cope. Not with people, though. People only stab others and protect themselves, intentionally or unintentionally. All I know is that I've reached my limit and SOMETHING INSIDE is pressing me into the quicksand. I need to find a way to cope. Note to myself: Don't be so nice and open anymore.

I found the author's name.

Lurlene McDaniel

Lurlene McDaniel (born 1944 in Philadelphia, PA) is an American author who has written more than 70 young adult books. She is well known for writing about young adults struggling with mortality and chronic illness, a career that began as a therapeutic way to deal with the trauma when her son, then 3, was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes. Her characters have grappled with cancer, diabetes, organ failure, and the deaths of loved ones through disease or suicide. She is a graduate of the University of South Florida - Tampa and currently resides in Tennessee.

--------------------------------
Who the heck would give a bag full of books by her to a teenager whose mom has some serious illness? Are you dead serious?

m'aimer pour qui je suis...

Love me for who I am…
Love me for who I was…
Please don’t come to condemn
For what I did for a cause
I tried to untie the string
Too immature to be wise
Not aware of the sting
The best I could revise
Foolishly I will walk
keep on stumbling my path
I beg that you wouldn’t mock
And wouldn’t build any wrath
Please don’t condemn
Love me for who I was
Please don’t hate who I am
and understand my many flaws.



This is a poem I wrote years ago, and it shares the title with my blog.
I hope not to write such poems as this one in the future. I only wish for happy thoughts in 2012.

Closure

Closure,
Everyone needs
Composure
is what it heeds
One needs the nerve
for him to put a stop
In order to deserve
To have a fresh new start
Closure is when
a surgeon seals the wound
then anyone can begin
walk around, rebound
Closure is what
everyone needs
It is a cut
sewed up and shut.